Once Upon a Month by Incognito

Stain Paranoia

February 7th, 2014

Hormonal Confessions

"Hey, Zoé, you have a weird stain on your butt…

- What did you say? (beginning of rising panic) No, no, stop! (quickly rising panic) Nooooooo!!!! (panic reaches a crescendo)"

Wake up breathless, in a sweat, in the middle of the night and perform a thorough inspection conducted by the anti-leak squad (my hand).

I've had this dream a dozen times. When I started to get my period, I always had the impression that when I was menstruating, my bum transformed into a bright sign: "Attention ladies and gentlemen! Is Zoé going to stain her pants today? All bets are on! (drum roll)." Well yes, I was paralyzed by acute paranoia and I was convinced everyone was checking out my butt to see if – with my super karma – a drop would break free and ruin my jeans, and my self-esteem along the way.

I assure you, I have since grown up a bit and have become more responsible; and, even if I do always avoid wearing white, I have learned to trust pads and tampons. I have also gained confidence in myself and know that I won't die of shame from an unfortunate accidental stain.

So, I was recently reminiscing about the early days of having my period and a few hilarious – but at the time quite serious - techniques that I would use to avoid staining my clothes (at all costs) came to mind.

"The J-Lo" – Technique consisting of stuffing your underwear to the max with toilet paper. If done properly, this technique can create a derrière worthy of Jennifer Lopez. And if not, you've got a guaranteed diaper effect.

"The onion" – Improved variation of the J-Lo. technique consisting of wearing several pairs of underwear one on top of the other. A long tunic and sweater tied around the waist is another option.

"The crab" – Technique consisting of moving like a crab, that is, bum glued to a wall. When at all in doubt, this technique is particularly useful to reach the door to the closest bathroom.

"The turtle" - Variant of the crab. Technique consisting of always trailing behind. For example: always being the last one to leave the classroom. You should note that this technique doesn't work in all situations (in the street, for example). If you're stuck, go back to the crab or to one of the other techniques.

"The camouflage" - Technique consisting of wearing only black clothing in which an unfortunate drop could possibly go unnoticed.

Have you also tried the onion technique?

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About the author

 Zoé’s never at loss for words. Part fashionista, part foodie, she loves sharing her latest discoveries and funny stories.   Zoé had her first...