Enhance that Little Flower of Yours in Three Easy Steps
September 9th, 2014
I like to talk about experiences had around the world and about some pretty strange traditions. This time, I've decided to look at cultural trends right here at home. Trends that are alive and well with us westerners! When we look at customs from other cultures, we tend to feel closed minded and a little tempted to judge simply because we find them strange. But wait a minute! We're no better! Want a little proof? Here are some trends practiced right here in our own society to enhance our little flower (and no, I'm not exactly talking about arranging daisies in a bouquet). A friendly warning to the faint of heart: this article is meant to make you laugh - even if you do blush a little ;)
Step 1: Plastic surgery
Tell me, does your vulva sag? Is your clitoris a bit on the small side? Rest assured! There's always plastic surgery! A little snip snip here or shot of botox there and voilà! Your crotch never looked so gorgeous!
Unfortunately, this is no joke: labioplasty, pubic lifting, liposuction of the labia majora or fat injections... more and more women are resorting to plastic surgery to give their vulva a new look. Some women seem to forget that what society promotes as beautiful doesn't exist in the flesh! Yeah, having a glistening smooth vajayjay like Barbie is all fine and dandy, but you'll be hard-pressed to look down there and see the likes of Ken's counterpart! Not in this world at least.
Step 2A: Hair colouring - down there!
So your hair down there doesn't match the hair on your head (here's lookin' at you, blondie!)? Are unwelcome grays popping up in all the wrong places (hey mama!)? So you want to spice up your sex life (after the initial knee-slapping, gut-busting laughs that shut down the mood before you can say Nice 'n Easy)? Look no further, intimate colouring is there for you!
Intimate colouring involves colouring your pubic hair - in the shade that strikes your - or maybe that special somone's - fancy. You can go with something natural (brown, red, blond), but I tell myself, hey, as long as we're colouring our hoo-ha, why not go a little cray-cray with Barbiedoll pink or a beautiful blue lagoon – apparently flashy is the way to go these days! If the mood strikes, the brand Betty (wait a minute! that's my mother-in-law's first name!) sells small kits that can be ordered on line right here. And, you guessed it, in case you're wondering, this isn't exactly my cup of tea! ;)
While doing research for this article, my eyes shed one or two tears, so I decided to spare you the shock of the visuals. ;)
Step 2B: Vajazzling
So, you're like a hairless pooch down there? I know you're a little bummed not to be able to colour your pubes in the shade tinky winky but that's no reason to get your knickers in a twist! Why? Vajazzling might just be for you! For that disco-ball coochie that "shines bright like a diamond," all you need to do is adhere glittery bling on the pubic area and voilà! Your privates could light up the sky!
Let's thank (seriously?) Jennifer Love Hewitt, who started this trend, which involves gluing crystals on the pubic area. With a glittery crotch (even in the dark, you say?), she found vajazzling to be a way to life her spirits after a tough break-up. It just goes to show that perking up your kiki could also perk up your mood! Although I'm far from being a huge fan of this fad (really?), on the up-side, it makes us take our "vajayjays" much less seriously (about time!) and do away with all those dirty taboos about the female sex!
Step 3: The vagina cake
Congratulations! Now that your sexy little flower is primped just so atop your pubic area, well, that's call for celebration! For the occasion, there's nothing that quite matches a cake - red velvet with strawberries and chocolate… - in the form of a vagina!
Be ready. Not all your friends may go for such a cake. It just might not be up their alley (especially with a baby's head crowning through the frosting). :/
Usually ordered to celebrate the first period or a new baby, cakes in the form of a vagina are especially popular... (are you ready for this?) in the United States! After doing some research on the web, I didn't find any bakeries featuring such works of art in Québec, but I'm sure that certain boutiques would agree to such a unique request – although you do have keep a straight face while you explain what exactly you want!
This little overview shows us that even if we're struck by how strange foreign customs are, we might be shocked to see some of the customs right here in our own backyward! After all, who are we to judge?
Do you know of any other strange customs that exist right here at home?